The work’s libretto is drawn primarily from correspondence between the composer and his close friend Mary Harris O’Reilly, who died of ovarian cancer in 2009 at age 45, and fragments from the poetry of Rebecca Elson, who died of non-Hodgkins lymphoma at age 39 in 1999. Additional texts come from the poetry of noted poet and translator Christopher Middleton (1926-2015).
In the following layout of the libretto, the texts in the first section by Christopher Middleton are presented both in the original English and in a translation of this text into German, and both are simultaneously set to music. For the remainder of the libretto, sections II - XIX, all of the O'Reilly texts appear on the left side and all the Elson texts on the right. All words by O'Reilly are sung or spoken by the soprano I, and all texts by Elson are sung or spoken by the soprano II.
Soprano I
We are rushing toward some constellation ...
On hurled by bricks and poisons,
claws to grope and probe gardens
that contain a rose or two,
with any luck ...
From an open grate in an angle of the wall ...
Dry vine leaves
and a few dead flies on fire ...
... the spine exploding like a tower in air.
Emptiness ...
fill it with, I don’t know,
Something, not with toys, not with mythologies,
fill it ... with solid villages, or seas ...
Fill the emptiness or it will tear off heads ...
... the heads, howl and tumble, torn off ...
Not much to hold on to ...
What is there to catch but absence ...
The tentative figures will not bind up the wound.
They are part of the great heave, over and over inflicting it
The splitting of this mind at that moment when flesh took ...
The abyss,
Unaccountable.
Soprano II
Wir rasen auf irgendein Gestirn zu...
Vorangeschleudert von Stein und Giftgasen,
Pranken, um Gärten zu durchstöbern
und durchsuchen,
Ob noch eine Rose wüchse, vielleicht zwei,
mit etwas Glück ...
Von einem offenen Gitter in einem Winkel
der Mauer ...
Verwelkte Rankenblätter
Und ein paar tote Fliegen am Verbrennen ...
... das Rückgrat berstend wie ein Turm in der Luft.
Leere ...
Füll sie mit, ich weiss nicht,
Irgendetwas, nichtmit Kindereien,
nicht mit Mythologien,
Füll sie ... mit festen Städten, oder Ozeanen ...
Füll die Leere, oder sie wird Köpfe abreissen ...
... die Köpfe heulen und rollen, abgerissen ...
Nicht viel da, um Halt zu geben ...
Was gibt es da zu fassen ausser Verlassenheit ...
Die fahlen Schemen werden
die Wunde nicht verbinden.
Sie sind Teil des schweren Atemstosses,
ihn uns immer wieder auferlegend,
Die Spaltung dieses Bewusstseins in dem Augenblick,
da es Fleisch wurde ...
Der Abgrund,
Unberechenbar
Soprano I
I'm afraid I'm writing
with some not so great news,
but I wanted you to hear about it from me.
I noticed a firm area in my abdomen
and made a doctor's appointment to get it checked out.
They were pretty confident that it was
a benign cyst of some sort ...
... unfortunately, the mass turned out to be malignant ...
... I was on the operating table for seven hours
as they removed my ...
... good news ... shows that the cancer has not spread ...
... my prognosis is very good
.... I am in fact quite lucky.
My mental state is actually pretty good.
The next few months won't be fun,
but I will get through it ...
****
Soprano I
*The heart's core cut ...
*slightly reordered line from Thomas Hardy's The Church and the Wedding
Soprano II
They are terrifying,
these mushrooms, the way they push up overnight,
... and you know they are feeding off decay,
That death is just below the surface,
just ...
and they grow so fast...
... I would go out into the night
as in a nightmare,
And rip them up, and scatter them,
with my bare hands,
But the death
would still be there.
Soprano I
... my cancer has come back ...
I packed up my apartment ... and moved back
to my mother’s house ...
I’m still not sure what kind of treatment I’ll be having ...
The doctors are uniformly confident
that they can put me back into remission ...
... I came home from the hospital after nine days ...
... most of the time with a tube down my nose
and into my stomach...
I’m trying to be patient.
Soprano II
... that death is just below the surface, just,
and they grow so fast ...
so fast ...
night as in a nightmare,
And rip them up
and scatter them,
with my bare hands,
But the death
would still be there.
Soprano II
When sleep won’t come
And your whole life howls
And words dive around like bats
Feeding off the darkness ...
In the dim room
He adjusts the beam,
Projecting beams of light
Like windowpanes ...
Blue and white flower field
Of the hospital robe,
And all my living bones ...
Soprano I
I just finished my fourth round ...
... only two more to go ...
I hope we get a chance to visit soon,
but if it doesn’t work [this time]* we can always find another ...
when I’m restored to health.
*original letter text “in Boston”
(*not included on recording)
Soprano I
... it’s time for the next infusion.
Life sure has changed ...
... one more round getting pumped with poisons.
I’ve gotten used to the rhythm by now ...
Life sure has changed.
... one more round ...
Soprano II
Beneath us
Continents are slipping.
A pale, dark sun,
A star too bright to look
The sky in pieces.
The universe split ...
In pieces ...
The universe split in pieces
And spreading like a stain.
Soprano I
As for my news
I’m afraid it wasn’t very good.
I still have cancer in my body
despite the chemo ...
... the motherfucking cells developed a resistance
to that type of chemo.
So I’m starting another type of clinical trial next week.
Life sure has changed ...
... one more round getting pumped with poisons.
I’ve gotten used to the rhythm by now.
Life sure has changed ...
one more round ...
Soprano II
A pale, dark sun,
A star too bright to look
The sky in pieces
The universe split in pieces
And spreading like a stain.
Soprano I
It’s scary, but there are a lot of drugs to try
and my doctor is very smart.
... a lot of drugs to try ...
I started to feel tired and feverish ...
... a blood clot ...
... six days in the hospital ...
... to the emergency room ...
Soprano II
And still prodding under my arms
My neck, my groin,
Hoping not to feel lumps ...
Saw a pig drawn up by its hind legs ...
Hoping ...
... under a stout tree
at the edge of town ...
drawn up by its hind legs
... head soaked in blood ...
... at the edge of town ...
a dozen men around sliding out its entrails ...
a dozen men ...
carving it up ...
(*not included on recording)
Soprano I
Life sure has changed ...
... one more round getting pumped with poisons.
I’ve gotten used to the rhythm by now ...
Life sure has changed ...
... one more round ...
Soprano II
A pale, dark sun
A star too bright to look ...
The sky in pieces.
The universe split ...
... in pieces
The universe split in pieces
And spreading like a stain
Soprano I
I’m still exhausted ...
But my doctor seems to think I’m responding well to the drug.
... the tumors hadn’t grown,
which is different from the progression she saw previously.
... just stop the motherfuckers.
One thing that helps me is to focus on the fact that
it will get better.
... it will get better.
One thing that helps me is to focus on the fact that
it will get better.
... they will fix you.
I’m responding well to the drug.
One thing that helps me is to focus ...
... it will get better.
...the tumors hadn’t grown ...
... it will end and they will fix you.
Soprano II
Violation of the body ...
...Who will I have been ...
This little crowd of strangers
Who have taken my body
with needles and knives
And then gone home ...
This little crowd of strangers
Who have taken my body
With needles and knives and then gone home ...
This little crowd of strangers ...
... taken my body
With needles and knives and then gone home
And the bits of me, stashed away in freezers ...
... taken my body ...
With needles and knives ...
... the bits of me
Soprano I
... the CT scan I had last week
showed that the tumors grew ...
... they took me off the trial drug and switched me to another ...
I had my first infusion today ...
... so far so good.
It has a list of horrible side effects,
but I try not to focus on them too much because
I’m convinced I’ll call them into being
with my anxiety.
It seems I’ve been getting nothing but bad news
for the last many months
and it’s ... hard not to be frightened ...
... it’s hard not to be frightened about the possibility that they
won’t be able to stop these tumors.
But most of the time I’m pretty optimistic.
We’ll know in a couple of months
whether the new drug is having
any
effect.
(*not included on recording)
Soprano I
... the CT scan ...
Thanks for your e-mail ...
I have to admit I’m pretty depressed about the progression...
even though I knew and still know that it is likely to take a while
before they find a drug that works.
I find I don’t like to talk about it, though.
It’s much more effective to distract myself
with work
and such
— it’s hard to be happy and optimistic when it’s dark,
cold and snowy outside.
... the weather ...
... snowy outside.
... and it’s hard not to be frightened
about the possibility that they won’t be able to
stop these tumors.
But most of the time I’m pretty optimistic.
We’ll know in a couple of months
whether this new drug
is having
any
effect.
Soprano II
Two scars are pink, one white
Where flesh was taken
Three small tube holes underneath
A collarbone
Two slits on tops of feet
A tiny dot tattoo for lining up the lungs
A cluster of white puncture marks
On each knob of hip, backbone...
... lining up the lungs...
Where core comes out, and aspirate
And all the little needle nicks...
Two slits on tops of feet...
The twisted hawthorns —
olive trunks
And tugging ...
The nettles, brambles whipping your knees
And darkness almost down ...
Three small tube holes underneath...
Soft inside the elbow skin
Soprano I
... it's dark, cold and snowy outside.
Soprano II
Sometimes as an antidote
To fear of death, I eat the stars ...
To walk across the cobble fields
Of our discarded skulls, ...
Each ... like a chrysalis,
Thinking: whatever left these husks
Flew off on bright wings.
Soprano I
... I had a rather scary conversation with my oncologist ...
I think she decided it was time for
a taking stock conversation ...
She admitted for the first time that
she didn’t think I would ever be free of this disease.
... now...this is more about alleviating symptoms ...
I’m hoping the side effects won’t be too bad.
... do you have any hints for me?
Please drop me a line when you have a chance.
... and it’s hard not to be frightened.
Life sure has changed hasn’t it?
Sorry not to get back to you right away.
I actually ended up in the hospital ...
I started getting some pain in the joint between
my torso and my right leg ...
They thought I might be bleeding into a muscle in my leg.
It turns out that the pain is because the cancer has spread...
Soprano II
Blood roaring in your ears ...
Nausea, swollen feet
Like pregnancy,
But no child.
... Until we reach the threshold ...
In me now.
These small cells lighting their fires ...
Thin air this blood ...
The body betraying itself
Ravishing itself ...
All that freshly turned earth
And nothing growing ...
Soprano I
... would ever be free of this disease ...
Now this is more about alleviating symptoms ...
I’m hoping the side effects won’t be too bad ...
It turns out that the pain is because the cancer has spread ...
... Do you have any hints for me?
Please drop me a line when you have a chance.
... and it’s hard not to be frightened ...
Life sure has changed hasn’t it? ...
... it’s been a struggle to get back on my feet this week.
The chemo I had on Tuesday really knocked me down ...
During those days it’s always hard ...
It turns out that the pain is because
the cancer has spread.
Soprano II
What if they tell me that my time is up
That I will never go again
Not even once
To the high peaks, to the seaside ...
Yesterday walked ... all along the beach.
Clear sky, turquoise sea ...
... a dead cat washed up,
Someone discreetly
Covered it with a board ...
Blood roaring in your ears ...
Nausea, swollen feet
Like pregnancy,
But no child
And how in all this glory
Can it be a gene gone wrong?
And why?
And didn’t my body know
I needed it
For longer?
That I haven’t finished yet ...?
... all this glory ...
Until we reach the threshold ...
In me now.
We ...
In me now ...
These small cells lighting their fires ...
Thin air this blood ...
What if they tell me that my time is up?
... how in all this glory ...
The body betraying itself
Ravishing itself ...
All that freshly turned earth ...
Is there ever a time you’re ready
To lay it down to stop all the singing and dancing?
Soprano I
I’m doing OK, still tired.
My appetite is good, but I still don’t manage
to gain weight.
... it’s hard not to be frightened about
the possibility that they won’t be able to stop
these tumors.
I still don’t manage to gain weight ...
My hair looks like shit ...
... still tired.
Soprano II
He stands there speaking without love
Of theories where, in that democracy
Of this universe, or that,
There could be legislators
Who ordain trajectories for falling bodies ...
My sureness falters ...
Are you afraid to die?
... midwinter squirrels falling frozen out of trees ...
... asking what it is they kill there in that landscape ...
an X for every individual …
Soprano I
I really feel like I need sunshine and heat,
the kind of heat that warms your bones.
I’ve been having trouble keeping food down lately,
and my doctor decided that I needed to be admitted
into the hospital in order to have some tests done.
I hate the hospital ...
but I listened to her and went in.
They did a series of tests and found that I have
a partial blockage in my small intestine.
There’s not much they can do about it
except to have me be careful about what and how much I eat.
Have I said how much it sucks to have cancer?!
I still don’t manage to gain weight ...
I really feel like I need sunshine and heat, the kind of heat that
warms your bones.
The kind of heat
that warms your bones.
It’s dark, cold and snowy outside
So that’s what’s new with me ...
... it’s kind of hard not to be frightened …
Soprano II
... the bird flies into the window, crack, and falls
stunned onto the patio,
its red throat thrown back in a kind of ecstasy,
in a kind of posture that says ‘take me,’
to the sky, to the sun,
and a small drop of blood grows at the corner of its
beak ...
I pick up the bird and carry it to the edge of the woods
so impenetrable there is no simple walking in,
there is a kind of peace in dropping its small body into
a thicket,
making sure it reaches the earth,
and covering it with the dead leaves that have lain all
winter underneath the snow ...
Sometimes as an antidote
To fear of death,
I eat the stars ...
To walk across the cobble fields
Of our discarded skulls,
Each like a chrysalis,
Thinking: what ever left these husks
Flew off on bright wings ...
Boiling with light,
Towards the sharp
night ...